Thursday, March 7, 2013

The only thing constant is change.

This might be the only one statement I prescribe to, well, that and, 'Everything happens for a reason'.
I don't know of any others that stand true in every single moment that I breathe.
It's always happening, being, taking place, existing.

Sometimes change happens to you, and other times you make change happen.

Well, a lot's been changing in my life. As it always is.
The love I spoke of in my last post, well, it came to it's anticipated, not-so-happy end a little while back.
We knew it was coming, the both of us.
Us lovers.
Us former lovers.
Ex lovers.

The love still lives, it will possibly never stop, but it resides in a dark, hidden chamber that I had to seal and push far back into the recesses of my heart and mind. In a dark corner where I won't see it if I go wandering back there.

It's not that I regret it, oh no, far from it.
It wasn't bad, or ugly. It was beautiful. And bright. Happy.
I wouldn't change anything about it, at all. It was, is actually, the biggest determinant of who I am today.
My biggest lesson.
My proudest one yet.

This last time, though, that we ended, was the very last time, the last of many, many times that we tried.
The absolute last.
The last goodbye.
It was different though, it came with a resounding understanding that this time, I want to look ahead.
Even the dreams and hopes and wants that I had for my life, they had to change too.

Everything changed.

And with that came guilt.
Guilt because I am so stubbornly determined to look ahead.
I realise that this is a choice I am making.
Before, those many times before, I didn't want to move on.
And I chose not to.
But now I do.
I have to.
To move away from the never ending circle, knowing that the very reason I can't be with him, is, if anything, one of the things that makes me love him even more.
Made me love him even more.
That's in the past.

I have to look at a different future.
I am looking to a different future.
Looking towards all the things that will be, now that we have gone our separate ways.
Looking past the guilt I feel at wanting so badly to be happy, and no longer holding this person at the centre of that joy that I so desperately seek.
Guilt because now my future will have to include someone else.

The guilt is waning though.
Slowly but surely it's fading.
I'm emerging somewhat lighter, and gentler on myself.

I deserve to be happy, and so does he.
I would have so readily traded in my happiness for his.

But now, with a smile, gratitude to him, and the gentle songs we play, I move towards bigger times, and a wider space.
I acknowledge that my path has changed,
I accept that it is the right one,
and I choose to follow it.

Or maybe this is where it was leading to the entire time.

1 comment

  1. Im in the same position and I think this is exactly what I needed to hear/read... to finally accept it all.


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